In a Rut

The past couple of weeks I’ve been unproductive to say the least. I haven’t had a ton going on, so I wanted to focus on my art more, but I am out of ideas and the ideas I have just seem boring for some reason. Since I don’t want to feel like I’m wasting my time, I’ve tried to will myself to go to jujitsu four days a week. Because thats should be fun and I’ll get in a decent workout as well. But I cannot do it. I cannot go to no gi classes twice in a single week, nor can I wake myself up and go to the 8:30am class full of people I’ve never met.

It seems like depression, but it feels different.

My mood has been fine, but I have zero drive to do anything. Next week I’m going on vacation, so it feels like I should just wait it out. But still I want to be doing something. I have my colored pencils within reach, I have all I need for a reduction print, and I have beyond enough painting supplies.

So what am I doing in this rut. What am I waiting for?


Prepping to Move

In a couple months I’m going to move into my first apartment that I’ll live in all by myself. I picked out the apartment, which is pretty exciting. The place is kind of garbage but I don’t care. There is a washer and dryer in the apartment and my guests are allowed to park in the parking lot. There is a pool and overall, its actually quite nice. I just think its not great because the hallway carpets smell like my grandma’s house and the floor plan is pretty strange. But these things are not important. I’m glad to know that I have somewhere to live once I go.

So far, I’m barely beginning to pack. I’m having trouble with the purging stage. Right now I have items from every phase of life, and there are many things that I don’t really want to get rid of, but I don’t want to take them with me either. Like my Darth Maul lightsaber – I have zero use for that, but also it makes a sound when you hit someone with it. My tiny apartment won’t accommodate those types of things. Still, I like knowing that once I manage to sort through all of these things, rather than having a ton of junk with a few nice things thrown in, I’m going to have just a few nice things.

I imagine my new apartment and I can’t wait to have my own separate rooms to put things in. My kitchen things will go in the kitchen, rather than in a bag, and I’ll have a trunk where I keep all of my outdoors gear. My baby Joshua Tree will continue to grow by the light of my living room window, and I’ll sit at the table beside it with my laptop, sipping tea from my Spiderman mug. Because adults can like Spiderman too.

End of an Era (?)

I am going to graduate on Sunday morning. I’m glad for it. I’ve worked long and hard, and finally its time for me to get back to me. My classes are all finished and I’ve said goodbye to my friends, but it doesn’t feel like goodbye.

It’s strange not knowing when I’ll see these people. Maybe I’ll see them in a few weeks, or maybe I never will. My climbing partner and I are planning a trip to somewhere for January, so at least I’ll have that. All of my plans are still very vague. I’ll move next week, and do some things, six months will pass, and I’ll move again to start work.

I’m grateful for the time off because I have some goals I want to work towards. I want to get back into studying Korean, start drawing again, and improve at climbing/jujitsu/running. I’m a bit bummed because I realized that there is no climbing where I am going. There is one bouldering gym. But I suppose it will be fine. I figure I’ll hit different gyms as I travel to visit family, and in between I’ll just work on strength and flexibility. I’m just very eager to get back to pushing myself! Right now I don’t even know what grade I climb at.

I’m sure I’ll figure it out. All I need is a plan.

Any Port in the Storm…

My life has been beyond hectic. In two months I will have graduated, yet I don’t know where I’ll work or where I’ll live. But before that comes the task of graduating, which is going pretty okay I think. But before that I have to live, and I’m mostly getting by on that as well. I can tell because I’m still alive.

But as I work on finishing the school thing and starting the real life thing, I’m finding it difficult to give in to my family’s belief that I should take any job I am given and be happy to be miserable as long as I’m making money. The thing is, I’m not willing to get stuck. I’m not willing to go take some crappy job that pays the bills with hopes that I’ll move on to something better. Because I won’t. I won’t learn marketable skills at the crappy job, and when I get home every day, I’ll be too tired to put in the work necessary to keep myself marketable. Its a giant trap. You’d think they’d have realized that by now.

I am about to graduate with a degree in computer science. Technology isn’t all that important to me. Instead, I value education, self expression, and adventure. In the next 10 years I want to see elephant populations thrive and opioid addiction rates plummet. I fully believe in humanity. I truly believe that if we can communicate effectively, people will understand and they will care. Many people believe that what they do or don’t do doesn’t matter, but I know they are wrong.

Thats why I can’t go sit in an office writing some unimportant code. Theres too much change that needs to occur, and I can’t ignore that.

9 Months to Adulthood

With only a month of school left, things are getting pretty crazy. Its true that I’m not graduating this semester, but somehow I am stressing the graduation stresses.

I decided that I want to live in Boulder, CO when I grow up. I grow up in about 9 months. This is because that is when I am supposed to graduate. But anyways, I want to live in Colorado and so I can’t stop looking for jobs there and looking at apartments and wondering how much rent can I afford while still paying my medical bills and eating and having a life. I am even thinking of how I want my future home to look with the furniture and the colors and all.

For now I need to worry about now. Now I am taking 18 credit hours and struggle bussing my way through all of them, and I have a lease that ends in July but need to move one state over in the beginning of May. Thats the college life. 11.5 month leases for the barely 9 month school year.

In the summer I have an internship, which is exciting since I will get some money working that thing, and I sure could use a few extra bucks. Its also cool since I’ll be living with this guy who used to go to my school but he works where I’ll be working and we are going to climb together. Super stoked to have a new climbing partner.

Before then I have a few things to get done though. Like this semester, f0r example. Five more weeks, and in those weeks I have my third running race and my first ever climbing competition. Very excited/nervous for both!