In a Rut

The past couple of weeks I’ve been unproductive to say the least. I haven’t had a ton going on, so I wanted to focus on my art more, but I am out of ideas and the ideas I have just seem boring for some reason. Since I don’t want to feel like I’m wasting my time, I’ve tried to will myself to go to jujitsu four days a week. Because thats should be fun and I’ll get in a decent workout as well. But I cannot do it. I cannot go to no gi classes twice in a single week, nor can I wake myself up and go to the 8:30am class full of people I’ve never met.

It seems like depression, but it feels different.

My mood has been fine, but I have zero drive to do anything. Next week I’m going on vacation, so it feels like I should just wait it out. But still I want to be doing something. I have my colored pencils within reach, I have all I need for a reduction print, and I have beyond enough painting supplies.

So what am I doing in this rut. What am I waiting for?

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Motivation From Within

Today I started “training” for my first competition. I say it like that because I never have really trained before and don’t really plan on training hard. Plus, the effort I am putting in is less about the competition and more about the fact that my endurance has been shit lately and I want to feel more in shape.

So today I went to the gym by myself to climb laps on the auto belay and I realized that I have a really hard time motivating myself. I always knew that was the case with running, but now I’ve realized its the case with climbing too, and so its probably the case with more than just those things. This is something I really want to work on.

How can I increase my own motivation?

One thing that may help is setting very concrete goals. Instead of walking up to an auto belay and deciding to climb up and down a beginner route, then climb up a 5.9, then up and down the beginner route again, it is easier for me to know ahead of time that I am climbing up and down the beginner route 10 times. This gives the goal a very clear beginning and end.

The other problem is that I have ADHD so its very difficult for me to climb the same route over and over. This is harder to get around, aside from switching routes more often. Climbing laps next to a friend and chatting would be great too, but it would be obnoxious for anyone else trying to use the auto belays.

Despite my failure at climbing laps, I did almost send a 10c for the first time, but then I didn’t. I tried a few times but couldn’t seem to get the last move. Whenever I got there I got overwhelmed by the fact that its a 10c and if I send it then I should be in the intermediate division of the upcoming comp rather than beginner. I feel kind of weird being in the beginner division anyways, but it seems that there are many people climbing at the same level as me also competing as beginners. I am trying to keep reminding myself that I’m a beginner because I’m coming back from injury.

I think I need to be less hard on myself in general. Once you factor in that I suffer from ADHD, anxiety, and depression, and have already had to have surgery to lessen the pain of my arthritis, I am doing pretty well. Today I got the news that I have been approved to graduate in December. In May I’m going to start my first internship as a computer scientist. Despite my health, I am passing all of my classes. I’d love to pull my grades up, but I have overcome a lot this year. 2016 has been absolutely horrible, but I am pushing through. It can be really difficult to be proud of myself, but at the end of the day, I really am.