In a Rut

The past couple of weeks I’ve been unproductive to say the least. I haven’t had a ton going on, so I wanted to focus on my art more, but I am out of ideas and the ideas I have just seem boring for some reason. Since I don’t want to feel like I’m wasting my time, I’ve tried to will myself to go to jujitsu four days a week. Because thats should be fun and I’ll get in a decent workout as well. But I cannot do it. I cannot go to no gi classes twice in a single week, nor can I wake myself up and go to the 8:30am class full of people I’ve never met.

It seems like depression, but it feels different.

My mood has been fine, but I have zero drive to do anything. Next week I’m going on vacation, so it feels like I should just wait it out. But still I want to be doing something. I have my colored pencils within reach, I have all I need for a reduction print, and I have beyond enough painting supplies.

So what am I doing in this rut. What am I waiting for?


I made a website!

I really surprised myself today by finishing my resume website. Yesterday I told myself I’d finish today as I only had to add a couple files so that people could download my resume and find my social media stuff. (Is it not weird to everyone else that we have work related social media?) But my resume website is “finished!” It looks kind of bad especially since I have no experience and all the filler material is meant to be experiences. Anyways I’m very proud of myself for doing the minimal amount of things that I had planned to do. Go ahead and click the link below and then be sure to leave a comment letting me know that there is too much empty space 🙂

Glimpsing the Future

At the end of last week I had a visit to my future job office. That’s where I’ll start working in 3 months, and it’ll be my first job out of college. Visiting was great because I got to meet a bunch of my future-coworkers and learn a bit more about what will happen when my job starts.

Really the first 6 months are less of a job, and more of a paid learning experience. This whole time I’ve been dying to know what we will go over, and it looks like its gonna be cake for sure. It did give me a bit of a reminder that I’m going to be a software engineer after I’ve been hanging out doing not software things for months. Today I did a thing though. I finally worked on my resume website. I got the layout set up and everything, so now I just need to put the content in and make sure it looks good. So basically all of the hard parts. Still, it is nice to have it even partially done.

When I start “work” we will be learning things like fundamentals of computer science or whatever, because they are preparing us to all be on the same level – even the girl that majored in psychology. The whole thing should be a good time. We will work on cute things like HTML and CSS and everything will be in JavaScript so I guess I should look at how that works again. I won’t though. I will just google which one is double equals and which one is triple equals every time. I am a bit surprised to find we will use JavaScript though, as I could have sworn everyone hated it. But I’m grateful that the focus is on a single language so that unlike in my degree program I will never be told to do a project in a language that I’ve never even looked at.

It’s exciting to look ahead. The people I met were fantastic, and I’m excited to move into my own place!

Prepping to Move

In a couple months I’m going to move into my first apartment that I’ll live in all by myself. I picked out the apartment, which is pretty exciting. The place is kind of garbage but I don’t care. There is a washer and dryer in the apartment and my guests are allowed to park in the parking lot. There is a pool and overall, its actually quite nice. I just think its not great because the hallway carpets smell like my grandma’s house and the floor plan is pretty strange. But these things are not important. I’m glad to know that I have somewhere to live once I go.

So far, I’m barely beginning to pack. I’m having trouble with the purging stage. Right now I have items from every phase of life, and there are many things that I don’t really want to get rid of, but I don’t want to take them with me either. Like my Darth Maul lightsaber – I have zero use for that, but also it makes a sound when you hit someone with it. My tiny apartment won’t accommodate those types of things. Still, I like knowing that once I manage to sort through all of these things, rather than having a ton of junk with a few nice things thrown in, I’m going to have just a few nice things.

I imagine my new apartment and I can’t wait to have my own separate rooms to put things in. My kitchen things will go in the kitchen, rather than in a bag, and I’ll have a trunk where I keep all of my outdoors gear. My baby Joshua Tree will continue to grow by the light of my living room window, and I’ll sit at the table beside it with my laptop, sipping tea from my Spiderman mug. Because adults can like Spiderman too.

Keep on Keeping on

Getting into working out can be hard, and getting back into working out can be even harder. I’ve been working my way back into things alone since I sprained my shoulder a while back and school kept me inactive for longer than I should have been. It has been a windy road, and I don’t think it’ll straighten out any time soon.

During the time I was inactive, things were difficult. My mood was garbage, my body felt like garbage, and I lost some weight that I didn’t mean to lose. It’s hard to find the motivation to do anything when your body hurts and your mind is tired. But you have to do it. Once you do, it will get harder because you will be sore, but you have to keep going. I’m writing this now to remind myself that I need to keep going too. This battle is as much mental as it is physical, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be won.

I wish I could say that three weeks into doing jujitsu 2-3 times per week, I feel amazing, but I don’t. But I do feel better. I was afraid going to work out with a new group of people. But I think that actually helped me. Because of my shoulder injury, I had been avoiding certain exercises, but since I didn’t want these people to view me as particularly weak, I’m doing pushups with everyone else – just not as many of them. At first I was a little embarrassed. I still am very slightly embarrassed. The other day we were running to warm up and I felt terribly tired. When I looked at the clock, it told me that we were only two minutes into class.

After a few days of class I stopped pretending to be done doing warm up drills at the same time as everyone else. I’ve been making it a point not to cut corners regardless of who may see. I’ve always been worried that people will think less of me, but now I realize that if I don’t do what everyone else is doing plus some, I’ll never get through group workouts as easily as everyone else. The reason they can do it and I can’t is because they have continuously worked hard and I haven’t. And that is okay. I’m starting my hard work now.

After three weeks of doing jujitsu 2-3 times per week, I feel better. My body hurts significantly less and I’m back up to my normal weight. And with hard work, in a few more weeks I’ll be even better than I am today.

Fitness Tracking Strife

The obsession with fitness trackers is very real. I feel it and I know others feel it as well. Otherwise Fitbit simply would not exist. For me its kind of strange, as I love data, but I also love privacy. Apparently I like data more than privacy though, as I am an apple watch owner and until recently I wore the watch every day.

Lately my fitness tracker has gotten on my nerves. I was on vacation for a week, and when I got back and turned on my watch, it told me that I did not meet my calorie burning goals at all last week and suggested I lower my goals. I was out walking every day, I rode a horse, and I rode a camel. I’m pretty sure I met my goals for general daily movement. But according to my watch, I didn’t move at all for the entire week.

Then this past week I’ve been going to jujitsu classes. Of course I can’t wear my watch to class, as that is dangerous and inconsiderate. I feel bad enough when I accidentally hit someone in the face with my open hand. If I hit them with a watch, I don’t think I could face them again. So I’ll be in jujitsu class for an hour or two and my watch is complaining that I need to stand. And when the weekend comes its going to complain that I didn’t exercise enough. But I did.

Don’t get me wrong; I love my apple watch. It tells me that someone texted me when I left my phone on the other side of the house, and it reminds me what comes up next on my schedule. I check it before I leave the house to find out whether or not I need a jacket. But fitness tracking simply doesn’t seem to be a good idea for me. It’s advertised as something for everyone, but I’m not so sure it is. If you’re a dancer it’s probably awesome, or if you run and do yoga. Fitness tracking devices have instilled in me this need to meet its prescribed goals, even though most of my exercise isn’t counted towards those goals. It also makes me feel like walking my dog counts as exercise when walking is never going to be enough for me.

So for now I’m taking a break from the tracker. I’ll use it to run, but not for regular daily use. It isn’t important that I didn’t meet the goals of my watch. I feel that perfect amount of soreness that reminds me that yesterday I worked hard, and next time I’ll work harder.

The Art Thing

Lately I’ve been working pretty hard but also hardly working. I have a lot of goals I’m working towards. I’m trying to improve my climbing, run faster, fight harder, learn Korean, and prepare for my career. Lately I have focused on doing art. I feel weird calling it art, because if its garbage is it still art? It shouldn’t be.

When I went to college I took a beginning drawing class that 110% ruined my interest in art. The art looked like garbage because it was always a still life that was literally garbage piled on a table. Then since I changed majors and had a job and all, I was way to busy to have fun. But now I have time, so I started back into the art thing. The end goal is to have an online store set up and sell my work. Which is a huge long shot, but I have almost finished setting up the store part, so I can’t back out now.

The first thing I’ve been working working onhas been this block print of a fish. On the left is the first proof I did of it, so of course it has come a long way since then. I am actually very lazy though, so I think its done, but I haven’t made any prints of it, so I can’t be sure. I ended up getting a bit sidetracked. I was doing all of these proofs towards the end, and I had a bunch of these not finished fish, so I decided to use those to make a painting. Because reduce, reuse, recycle.

fullsizerenderWell that painting came out approximately bad. But I’m still going to try to sell it because worst case no one wants it and I am reminded why I got an engineering degree. I keep telling myself that the actual reason I’m doing this is to prove to myself that I needed an engineering degree to live comfortably and that is why I didn’t go to school for art or literature. Even if I am awful at computer science, I think I can still make a decent living. And I’m not that awful anyways. I am very good at art and computers when you compare me with my dog.

So here is that fish painting. Let me know what you think. But make sure to put the bad stuff in between compliments so that my fragile ego will not be entirely destroyed.